Last First Kiss

Just let the noose take the weight off your shoulders

My mind keeps doing the spins and twists.  My hands keep grabbing the knife.  My eyes burning with tears.  I’ll never win.  I’ll never be good enough.  I’ll keep stabbing myself over and over again.  Keep hurting myself over and over again.  I keep seeing that I am so alone. 

People hate me.  People forget me.  People leave me. 

Over and over again, this keep playing over.  Over and over again, who is going to trust me, who is going to talk to me.  Who will keep loving me for me? 

Things are hidden.  If I keep asking questions, I will be the one who is always hurt in the end.  I will be the one bleeding from my body.  I will be the only one feeling pain.  I’m only a disappointment to you. 

I’m so frighten to take my life.  I keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge, that I may end up doing it.  No one would wonder why.  No one would ask questions, because people have fallen out of my life.  People didn’t want to keep in contact.  I would not be missed.  I am not important.  I could just fade away and no one would notice the gap. 

Just say you’ll leave.  Just do it as everyone else does.  Everyone leaves.  Once you leave, then there is no one.  If there is no one, maybe it’ll be easier to just die.  Because then no one would miss me or care. Maybe you’re the only thing that is holding me back.  Of course I’d never say a word of this.  Once it happens, it will happen.  As the quote goes, death is but another adventure.  I’d be starting mine earlier, or maybe it’ll just be right on time. 

I sincerely hoped you would be the one to keep me safe and sound.  To keep me together.  I depended on you so much and desired so much of you.  However, it appears everything is on fire.  And now I’m covered in oil with you holding a match. 

I’ll never be good enough.  I’ll always be second best if I even rank that high.  I’ll always be compared and laughed at.  I’ll never be good enough.  I’ll never be able to rank anywhere near the top. 

Maybe the best thing for me to do is to really thrust this knife into my stomach.  It’d hurt, but it’ll let me know that I am human and bleed the same red blood as you do.  All I know, is how much I was a disappointment to you, my family, and my friends.  At least this way, I won’t have to keep disappointing anyone. 

Forgive me, because I wasn’t strong enough to keep smiling like I normally do.   I’m sorry.